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Friday, 21 December 2012

Dating A Man With Financial Problems

"The day you settle for less
is the day you will get less."

- Iman

I felt that I needed to write about this because I believe that it's very important for women who are currently dating, to think twice before entering a serious relationship with a man who doesn't seem to have is act together. Black women in particular have to be extra careful when it comes to dating, particularly those who date interracially.
First one must know the definition of what a real man is. Call me old fashion but I'm not a fan of the new modern family where the women are out working and the men are sitting at home doing god knows what. I do not believe in role reversal because if a man and a woman is married or living together, and the woman is the sole provider, this will inevitably affect the relationship negatively sooner or later. A man is biologically predisposed to be provider and protector of his love ones. So if you're in a relationship right now, and if you have a good man, you will understand his deep seated fear of not being able to provide for you and for the children you may have with him in the future.

Many women do not actually know what a real man is. Most women would think that a real man is a buffed shirtless guy, who probably can drink the equivalent of his weight in alcohol, possibly violent and has a bevy of women at his disposal while boasting about his sexual prows at any given opportunity. Some women would settle for just about any caliber of man and wonder why they are unhappy. Same goes for black women who date interracially. Some of these women would date any white guy because the only criteria they have when it comes to finding a man is that he is white. Don't get me wrong I am not bashing women who date interracially as I myself am in an interracial relationship. What I'm trying to do here is to make you aware of the choices you are making when it comes to the men you date. As a black woman who dates interracially, you must be very careful of who you chose as your mate.

It's very rare you will find white women dating broke black men. White women appear to have much higher standards than most black women when it comes to dating and marriage. Therefor a broke white man is socially unacceptable in the white community yet a broke black man can freely go about his business without any feelings of guilt or remorse for being a financial and social failure in his community.  Having said that, I have to admit that I'm very wary of broke white men and white men who only date black women because one, I do not wish to be burdened with someone elses financial problems, and two, I do not wish to be someone's weird sexual fetish, a topic of which I will discuss in another post.
However before I delve into why you should not date a man with financial problems, let me relate a story to you:

Dorothy Dandridge

If you are familiar with vintage black starlets, then you will know of the lovely Dorothy Dandrige. Her life although glamorous, was very lonely and tragic. She had a mentally disabled child which was the result of her first failed marriage. She was forced to put her child in a special home that specialised in the caring of special children. For many years after her failed marriage she suffered one failed relationship after the other. There was obviously nothing wrong with her as you can see that she was quite a stunning and feminine woman. Her problem was the men she dated. As a black woman in the 1930s to the 1950s, her line of work made it very difficult to date and marry. Being an actress and singer, naturally exposed her to higher quality men, but these men were white and most of them wouldn't date her or marry her not because they were not attracted to her or found her beautiful, but because she was a black woman. As you can see, she didn't have a lot of options.

She eventually settled for Jack Denison, a small restaurant owner who pursued her relentlessly. He had asked her to performed at his small club/restaurant much to the dismay of her friends and colleagues.  They did not believe that a person of her stardom and caliber should perform in such a place, but she agreed anyway. Denison eventually proposed to Dorothy and she accepted. What Dorothy didn't know was that Denison was not interested in her as a person, he was only interested in her money. On her wedding night, Dorothy found out that her new husband was in terrible dept and he wanted her to perform regularly at his restaurant so that he can get out of dept with the money she would bring him. This of course made Dorothy very depressed. The man who she chose to marry did not warn her of the quality of life to expect once she was married to him. He had deceived her into thinking that he loved and cared for her, so that he can trick her into marriage. Dorothy was perfect prey because she was a single, lonely black woman in Hollywood.

After two years of financial, emotional and physical abuse within her marriage, Dorothy finally found the courage to divorce Denison. After the divorce, things didn't get any better. She found out that the people who was handling her finances had swindled her of over $150,000, which was quite a lot in those days. She sank further into depression because she couldn't find work as she hadn't worked in two years due to her abusive marriage. In 1963 she declared bankruptcy. She lost her beautiful home along with many of her possession. She was forced to take her daughter out of private care as she could no longer afford the bill, and place her in a public mental institution.  Work was very hard to come by and what little work she did, barely paid the bills. She became a heavy drinker due to her depression and from her loneliness and financial ruin. She was later prescribed an anti depressant which lifted her mood a bit. But in 1965 Dorothy was found dead in her tiny apartment lying face down on her bathroom floor. She had died from an overdose of her anti depressant drug and to this day, no one knows if her death was deliberate or accidental.

You may be wondering why, I'm telling you this, but in Dorothy's tragic story, there is a lesson to be learned. Modern black women have a lot more dating options than black women in past decades. Now more than ever we have the freedom to date and marry who we want and we should take full advantage of it. Yet many of us are still settling for less than what we're worth. Why are we settling for men who are jobless, and penniless? Why are we settling for men who have multiple baby mommas? Why are we settling for men who are chronic cheaters? Why are we settling for men who have issues with commitment? Why are we settling for men who treat us like sexual objects? Why are we settling for men who still live at home with their mothers?
And the question that inspired this post; why are we settling for men with financial problems?
Dating a man who has financial problems has many consequences. It's one thing if a guy is strapped for cash if he's in between jobs, but when a man is up to his ears in dept due to his inability to manage his money and assets, that's a whole different story.

Many women make the mistake by telling themselves that it's ok to enter a relationship with this guy because they're not after his money. If he sees that you're still willing to be with him despite his mounting dept and the the dept collectors knocking at his door, then he will respect you more because he will see that you're not some shallow gold digger. Surely this will make him appreciate you more and fall in love with you. Nothing could be further from the truth.
His financial problems will inevitably become your problem as you will find yourself being his emotional rubbish bin due to his failure to get is act together and his feelings of inadequacy as a man. This man is very insecure and in the back of his head he's thinking that you will leave him at anytime. He feels that he doesn't deserve you and he's right. One thing you will notice is that he will find every opportunity to criticise you and point out your short comings. The reason why he will do something like this is because he feels less of a man, therefor as a coping mechanism, he will lash out at you. This is obviously not a happy person because happy people don't spend their days criticising the person they supposedly love. There is the chance that this guy will get back on his feet, which is why he shouldn't have pursued a relationship with you in the first place. Many men put off relationship and marriage until they can come to a place where they are comfortable with their financial status and they are doing the right thing. A real man doesn't want to bear the humiliation of not being able to take you out on a date simply because he has no money.
Naomi Campbell have always made smart choices
when it comes to the men she dates


An unscrupulous man on the other hand doesn't care. There are men out there who will seek out lonely, single, and emotionally vulnerable women, who are financially stable, because they are looking for a ticket out of their lifestyle. Many black women can relate to this, particularly those who only date black men. This is why a woman should know what a real man is. A real man will never dream of being a financial burden to a woman. Therefor if you have a man and he doesn't pay for dates because he is broke or he hasn't had a job in more than a few months, then you have a serious problem on your hands. If I'm a woman in a situation where I'm earning more than the man I'm dating or in partnership with, and I'm the one paying for dinners etc, I will automatically question my femininity as a woman.

We need to make better choices when it comes to the men we date. Wanting a man who is financially stable and has resources is normal. Sadly many women have been guilt tripped into dating down. Now more than ever, women are being accused of being greedy and gold digging for wanting something that they are genetically predisposed to want. Men are unapologetic for their open attraction and preference for beautiful women, yet women are made to feel bad for seeking out men with financial resources. Hollywood releases countless movies where a beautiful woman settles for a man who is less attractive and quite lacking when it comes to financial resources. It's like the media is out to brain wash women into settling for beta males, yet men who are ugly and poor are expected to get beautiful women despite their gross short comings. I find this trend in Hollywood very disturbing. Movies like the ZooKeeper  are nothing but modern fairy tales for men. In the movie, Kevin James character who is poor and overweight, gets to date two gorgeous women, one of them being Rosario Dawson. Now we all know that the chances of a real zoo keeper dating a beautiful woman, let alone two is very, very slim. But scenarios like this are quite common in movies.



Promo photo for the Movie Zookeeper
Mind you I quite enjoyed the movie as I'm a huge sucker for movies with talking animals (hangs head in shame) but something about these movies I find to be quite unsettling. Basically the movie is sending a clear message to women. It's telling us that it's ok to settle for under achieving, unattractive broke men. These movies are also telling men that they don't have to work hard in order to be successful and to make something out of their life because hey, they too can have beautiful, sexy women.

In closing, I just want to remind black women that we have a lot more options now compared black women in the past. We have the freedom to date and marry who ever we want regardless of race, class, culture and educational background. We must take advantage of the privileges we have now but we must also be grateful for those said privileges. We must set high standards for ourselves instead of reducing ourselves to sex objects and baby mommas. You are worth so much more. But if you think that you're worth little, then men will treat you as such. There is a reason why a man would treat a low maintenance woman differently from a high maintenance woman. If you have very high standards, a man will treat you much better than the woman who has low standards.  Having low standards will only hurt you in the long run because people generally do not respect low maintenance women with low standards. If your standards are high, a man with financial problems wouldn't dare try asking you out on a date. So think about that for a while.

27 comments:

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    1. I jus read ur post its S̷̶̷̜̩̊͡ö true wht u said. I'm a victim of a marrage gone bad becus of financial problems with my husband.Now we are devored and I had nothing to gain from it, we hav two kids and I'm the one taking care of them. Sometimes I wounder if I would find a goodman i̶̲̥̅̊n̶̲̥̅̊ this world of Omegas.

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  2. Totally reminded me of Whitney Houston dating down with you know who. Great post.

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    1. Lol! Omg I remembered how everyone was mad that she chose Bobbi. That was obviously the biggest mistake of her life. Black men have this fantasy that they can get high quality black women to marry and take care of them. They never had much to say when she married Bobbi, but everyone else was upset, even her white fans knew she was making a grave mistake.

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  3. love this post. so true! learned my lesson with this early on. we must be discerning. i love that your posts are so honest and its what many people are afraid to say.

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    1. Thank you. Sometimes when I'm writing, I often ask myself if I'm being to blunt, but you know what, somethings have to be said. I am very grateful that I have this platform to share and speak my mind. Everything I write about here are from my own personal experience and more. And I appreciate every one who visits my page, even the ones who disagree with me :)

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  4. i have been reading your blog from the first posts and i love it,i'm one of the younger readers though,also from the caribbean . :)

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    1. Thank you sweetie and welcome. It's so nice that my message is reaching younger women :)

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  5. Great post. In discussions with my friends, colleagues and acquaintances I often emphasize this point. As a woman, particularly a black woman, one should strive to partner with someone who is financially stable or is on the road to financial stability via a feasible plan (not castles in the air). Exclude (potential) partners who do not have sound financial management or do not have sound financial management/knowledge and are not interested in addressing the lack of financial management. Exclude partners who have no plan of action or sense of direction financially, socially and career wise. When dating, screen the people you choose to date and be wary of their intentions - develop discernment.
    A black women should strive to partner with someone who will help improve her financial and social standing to ensure a secure (as much as possible, all things considered) future for her and their progeny. It is not gold digging - it is common sense!
    While I have watched black female singers such as Whitney Houston and Tina Turner publicly struggle with relationships and marriages where they were or eventually became the main (and more successful) income earner. I also have examples of black female relatives and friends in my life, they are struggling and miserable. I assess their lives, their poor decisions and bad choices - I learn from that and one good piece of advice that I often pass on to black women: as a woman, particularly a black woman, one should strive to partner with someone who is financially stable or is on the road to financial stability via a feasible plan (not castles in the air).

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  6. I looooooooooooooooooooove this post! Keep up the great ohnest work. I am 31 a late bloomer but sooo learning!

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  7. Hi Maria. Thanks again for sharing your link. I really enjoyed this post and agree with every word. Women really do create unnecessary problems for themselves when they settle for men with financial issues. And, as you described, not just financial problems.

    I know many women who believe that choosing a financially stable man is a form of “gold-digging”, yet don't see the broke men sponging off of them as gold-diggers. Before I started working in the corporate world, I thought that only BW were expected to settle for losers, but I have met a LOT of WW who are doing the same thing. Example: I have a co-worker who is upset that her parents don't approve of her BF now that they know she pays for his health insurance. I can't say I blame her folks for feeling this way. Health insurance is expensive, and it is not her job to provide it for a guy she's not even married to.

    You know, I never really gave a lot of thought to the reverse fairy tale movies and TV shows, but now that you've mentioned it, I'm wondering if they have influenced the decisions of my co-worker and other women I know who are choosing men in need of their “help”. On Family Guy and even old shows like Everybody Loves Raymond the beautiful wives come from a wealthy family, and could have married men on their level, but settled for middle-class, not-so-bright men.

    It's scary to consider how much power the media has over our conscious and subconscious minds. I've known for a while now that they are affecting how people view sex and relationships, people of other ethnic groups, and members of the opposite sex. But women dating down is not something that I had even considered, which is why I'm glad that you wrote about it.

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    1. ~It's scary to consider how much power the media has over our conscious and subconscious minds. I've known for a while now that they are affecting how people view sex and relationships, people of other ethnic groups, and members of the opposite sex. But women dating down is not something that I had even considered, which is why I'm glad that you wrote about it.~

      Believe it or not but this is a very common phenomenon but many of us are not aware of it. I watch movies and TV programmes where women are offering to repay a man for paying for a date! It's crazy.
      I mean as a woman, a lot of thought and money goes into preparing for a date. We have to pick out sometime nice to wear, we have to have our hair, nails and overall appearance looking good and that cost time and money. The fact that a woman makes an effort to make herself presentable for a date should be enough for her to enjoy a date where she doesn't have to worry about the bill. Let's face it, the guy who's taking you out on a date would not appreciate it if you showed up looking like if you didn't even bother to make an effort.

      This is why I believe that a man is suppose to pay for stuff like dinners etc and I will stand by that. People get it all twisted when they sit and watch these movies, which by the way, are totally unrealistic. I am a woman who is independent, I have a job but I've never ever paid for a date in my life and before I met my beau, I was never short of dates so I don't believe that a woman should pay for a date. Once I had a problem where halfway through the date the guy told me that he didn't have money, well I made some excuse about going to the bathroom, got up, went to the cashier, paid for my meal, and left. I will never ever date a guy who is stingy, broke or has financial problems.

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  8. "This is why I believe that a man is suppose to pay for stuff like dinners etc and I will stand by that. People get it all twisted when they sit and watch these movies, which by the way, are totally unrealistic. I am a woman who is independent, I have a job but I've never ever paid for a date in my life and before I met my beau, I was never short of dates so I don't believe that a woman should pay for a date."

    I could not agree more. On top of that, women have expenses that men do not. We even get charged more for dry cleaning. So, there is no way I'm going to go to all that trouble and expense and then pay for a date that I was invited on. It's like throwing a dinner party and charging your guests for the groceries and food prep. It's beyond rude!

    I love what you did when that guy claimed that he didn't bring money. I bet he brought money the next time he asked a woman out to dinner. LOL.

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    1. Ha Ha! I'm sure he learned his lesson. In my country there is something we call "Vex Money", it's where a woman takes enough cash with her on a date to cover her expenses just in case the date goes wrong because with guys nowadays you never know. So can you imagine what would have happened if I didn't have money with me on that date? I too wouldn't have been able to pay for my meal and it would have been a rather embarrassing situation for both of us.

      This is why I've always advise women not to go out on a date when she's broke. Especially when it's a new guy you just started seeing because you never know. I've heard horror stories where dates went so wrong. One example is a friend of mine went out with a guy some years ago. She got all dressed up because she thought he was taking her out for dinner. He took her to the beach instead and this was at night when the beach was deserted. Anyway, things went so bad because he wanted to have sex with her on their first date on the beach. She fought him off and ran. He eventually left her alone on the beach, and because she didn't even have credit on her phone, she couldn't call anyone to pick her up. She ended up spending the entire night there scared and alone until the next day. She was able to get a lift from a stranger (she couldn't take the bus because she had no cash) to the nearest town where she was able to get to a phone to call and have someone pick her up. What pissed me off more about the whole situation (aside from the attempted rape) is that she never reported the incident to the police. So that guy was able to go on his merry way, and free to move on to his next victim smh.

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    2. We call "Vex Money" emergency money in the U.S. My father always gave me $20 in emergency money whenever I went out on a date in high school. Even when I had gone out with the guy before, and I kept that tradition up as an adult. This is something all parents should teach there daughters, because you never know what could happen. BTW, why do you call it "Vex Money"?

      And you're right, your friend should have called the cops. Letting attempted rapes slide is why there are so many of these creeps walking the streets. They believe that they will get away with it, because they have in the past.

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  9. Maria your posts make me cry soo much.

    They just hit so many points which are too close to home.

    I hope i will change my life, and be one of the few that come out of messy situations. Beating all the stereotypes associated with the black woman.

    I just cant live my life like this anymore, something has to change.

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    1. It's ok to cry. Trust me I've been there and dating a man with financial problems can be emotionally draining. Hopefully we can all learn from our mistakes. I hope that you find that change you're looking for sooner rather than later.

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  10. Also many men, Black and non-Black, are out to use Black women (BW) as workhorses to feather their financial nests. My ex (White) was one. He cried poor while buying $100 floor seats to basketball games and season passes to the local raceway. I was supposed to be his extra income but didn't make as much as he wanted/expected. As you've mentioned, when a BW doesn't fit the image or expectations that a non-Black man has of her, expect the criticism and abuse to come. And it did. He expected me to pay half of the household expenses even though I made half of what he did. He called me a "leech" when I couldn't do it. In his mind, BW, especially educated ones, were all hardworking mules who made good money, money he could use. He was as bad as a pimp. I'd better go out there and make him his money. And it wasn't like dude didn't have a job or make decent money. He just wanted more of it and was about using BW to get it.

    I'm now married to a wonderful White man who had all his own stuff including his own house. I'm a housewife, no pressure on me to take an outside job. My husband would rather work two and three jobs than send me out to work for him. I was inculcated with the message that a BW should work with a man to help him build. That we shouldn't ask for anything because that's "gold-digging." I'm for working with someone that's worth it. The vast majority of men are not. I'll advise any girl-child I have that life is too serious and love's too mysterious to quote an old ditty and that it is not greedy or gold-digging to take a man's financial health or disease hella seriously.

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  11. Witchsistah, I always enjoy reading your comments around the blogosphere :)

    Maria, lovely post.

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  12. OK, so what happens when you with a man and something happens.....lets say he loses everything (car, house,job)What do you do then? Turn your back on him?

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  13. I am a black man who worked very had to provide for my wife. Yet, nothing I did was good enough. In the end, I lost everything because of her. Yet, after my divorce, I went back to school and got a degree. Some women said bad things about me. They told me, I was looking for a woman to take care of me, just because I lost my car. I have always taken care of myself and still do. Now I am in the process of getting back on my feet. Now I wonder how those same women would look at me now. The whole point I am making is, a black women that does not want to do better can destroy a black man as well. I am dating a white woman now who has been a great help to me (mental wise). She is a professional. She offers me things sometime and gets mad that I will not take them. I just want her to know that I am a man and soon she will not have to work unless she choose to.

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  14. I think too many BW are scared of being alone and often willmake poor choices in men because they have spent too much time focusing on all of the negative statistics concerning BW/dating/marriage. It is essentially like going to the supermarket on a empty stomach, when we are hungry, we are operating from a condition of lack and desperation and hungry people most often don't care what they eat as long as they get fed thus the poor choices. Many of us have exhalted the BM to the status of most desirable and coupled with the competition for the BM's attention from women of other races, again this often causes BW to make very poor choices usually from desperation and fear. Although I am single and not looking, I refuse to embark on dating from a vantage point of believing good BM are in such short supply. I have actually heard BM say that BM are rare and BW should be lucky that BM still speak them, Negroe please! This attitude that a lot of BM have that they are now the treasure and they should be the ones pursued is only reenforced by what they see many BW allowing themselves to be put through just to have a BM in their lives, BW this must stop. We must believe in our value and that doesn't mean running around claiming and thinking that we are queens yet acting like starving peasants when it comes to men.

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  15. My friend recommended this dating for traveler's website called globogirls.com. At first I thought the idea is a little bit bizarre but I gave it a try and it was worth it GloboGirls.com is a travel advice and Assistance website for open-minded singles who would like to explore the world, experience different cultures and meet new
    interesting people, it was so fun for me 

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  16. This post is sooo on point. Thanks :)

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  17. This is so what I needed. Thank you for a great well written post.

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  18. Settling for less puts a bad taste in my mouth. I believe many women settle to avoid the daunting reality that as fine as we are, with all of our natural gifts, talents, ambition, skills, emotional maturity, education and earning potential that we may die man-less, without ever passing a human being through the womb. I think the fear of never being touched-- and I'm talking about FOR REAL "collecting dust", scares women more than being, abused, more than being objectified and disrespected, tricked into psychopathology, devalued- you name it. Thus, I don't always believe these trifling dating travesties result from low self esteem or lack of self worth. I have a friend, for example, fellow entrepreneur, 31 years old-- looks like a model and she has been celibate for six years...SIX O_O......she is FOR REAL collecting dust. I'm working on year number two.... she and I are both drama and (thank God) trauma-free...Its worth it, I guess. :) :/

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