is the day you will get less."
I felt that I needed to write about this because I believe that it's very important for women who are currently dating, to think twice before entering a serious relationship with a man who doesn't seem to have is act together. Black women in particular have to be extra careful when it comes to dating, particularly those who date interracially.
First one must know the definition of what a real man is. Call me old fashion but I'm not a fan of the new modern family where the women are out working and the men are sitting at home doing god knows what. I do not believe in role reversal because if a man and a woman is married or living together, and the woman is the sole provider, this will inevitably affect the relationship negatively sooner or later. A man is biologically predisposed to be provider and protector of his love ones. So if you're in a relationship right now, and if you have a good man, you will understand his deep seated fear of not being able to provide for you and for the children you may have with him in the future.
Many women do not actually know what a real man is. Most women would think that a real man is a buffed shirtless guy, who probably can drink the equivalent of his weight in alcohol, possibly violent and has a bevy of women at his disposal while boasting about his sexual prows at any given opportunity. Some women would settle for just about any caliber of man and wonder why they are unhappy. Same goes for black women who date interracially. Some of these women would date any white guy because the only criteria they have when it comes to finding a man is that he is white. Don't get me wrong I am not bashing women who date interracially as I myself am in an interracial relationship. What I'm trying to do here is to make you aware of the choices you are making when it comes to the men you date. As a black woman who dates interracially, you must be very careful of who you chose as your mate.
It's very rare you will find white women dating broke black men. White women appear to have much higher standards than most black women when it comes to dating and marriage. Therefor a broke white man is socially unacceptable in the white community yet a broke black man can freely go about his business without any feelings of guilt or remorse for being a financial and social failure in his community. Having said that, I have to admit that I'm very wary of broke white men and white men who only date black women because one, I do not wish to be burdened with someone elses financial problems, and two, I do not wish to be someone's weird sexual fetish, a topic of which I will discuss in another post.
However before I delve into why you should not date a man with financial problems, let me relate a story to you:
If you are familiar with vintage black starlets, then you will know of the lovely Dorothy Dandrige. Her life although glamorous, was very lonely and tragic. She had a mentally disabled child which was the result of her first failed marriage. She was forced to put her child in a special home that specialised in the caring of special children. For many years after her failed marriage she suffered one failed relationship after the other. There was obviously nothing wrong with her as you can see that she was quite a stunning and feminine woman. Her problem was the men she dated. As a black woman in the 1930s to the 1950s, her line of work made it very difficult to date and marry. Being an actress and singer, naturally exposed her to higher quality men, but these men were white and most of them wouldn't date her or marry her not because they were not attracted to her or found her beautiful, but because she was a black woman. As you can see, she didn't have a lot of options.
She eventually settled for Jack Denison, a small restaurant owner who pursued her relentlessly. He had asked her to performed at his small club/restaurant much to the dismay of her friends and colleagues. They did not believe that a person of her stardom and caliber should perform in such a place, but she agreed anyway. Denison eventually proposed to Dorothy and she accepted. What Dorothy didn't know was that Denison was not interested in her as a person, he was only interested in her money. On her wedding night, Dorothy found out that her new husband was in terrible dept and he wanted her to perform regularly at his restaurant so that he can get out of dept with the money she would bring him. This of course made Dorothy very depressed. The man who she chose to marry did not warn her of the quality of life to expect once she was married to him. He had deceived her into thinking that he loved and cared for her, so that he can trick her into marriage. Dorothy was perfect prey because she was a single, lonely black woman in Hollywood.
After two years of financial, emotional and physical abuse within her marriage, Dorothy finally found the courage to divorce Denison. After the divorce, things didn't get any better. She found out that the people who was handling her finances had swindled her of over $150,000, which was quite a lot in those days. She sank further into depression because she couldn't find work as she hadn't worked in two years due to her abusive marriage. In 1963 she declared bankruptcy. She lost her beautiful home along with many of her possession. She was forced to take her daughter out of private care as she could no longer afford the bill, and place her in a public mental institution. Work was very hard to come by and what little work she did, barely paid the bills. She became a heavy drinker due to her depression and from her loneliness and financial ruin. She was later prescribed an anti depressant which lifted her mood a bit. But in 1965 Dorothy was found dead in her tiny apartment lying face down on her bathroom floor. She had died from an overdose of her anti depressant drug and to this day, no one knows if her death was deliberate or accidental.
You may be wondering why, I'm telling you this, but in Dorothy's tragic story, there is a lesson to be learned. Modern black women have a lot more dating options than black women in past decades. Now more than ever we have the freedom to date and marry who we want and we should take full advantage of it. Yet many of us are still settling for less than what we're worth. Why are we settling for men who are jobless, and penniless? Why are we settling for men who have multiple baby mommas? Why are we settling for men who are chronic cheaters? Why are we settling for men who have issues with commitment? Why are we settling for men who treat us like sexual objects? Why are we settling for men who still live at home with their mothers?
And the question that inspired this post; why are we settling for men with financial problems?
Dating a man who has financial problems has many consequences. It's one thing if a guy is strapped for cash if he's in between jobs, but when a man is up to his ears in dept due to his inability to manage his money and assets, that's a whole different story.
Many women make the mistake by telling themselves that it's ok to enter a relationship with this guy because they're not after his money. If he sees that you're still willing to be with him despite his mounting dept and the the dept collectors knocking at his door, then he will respect you more because he will see that you're not some shallow gold digger. Surely this will make him appreciate you more and fall in love with you. Nothing could be further from the truth.
His financial problems will inevitably become your problem as you will find yourself being his emotional rubbish bin due to his failure to get is act together and his feelings of inadequacy as a man. This man is very insecure and in the back of his head he's thinking that you will leave him at anytime. He feels that he doesn't deserve you and he's right. One thing you will notice is that he will find every opportunity to criticise you and point out your short comings. The reason why he will do something like this is because he feels less of a man, therefor as a coping mechanism, he will lash out at you. This is obviously not a happy person because happy people don't spend their days criticising the person they supposedly love. There is the chance that this guy will get back on his feet, which is why he shouldn't have pursued a relationship with you in the first place. Many men put off relationship and marriage until they can come to a place where they are comfortable with their financial status and they are doing the right thing. A real man doesn't want to bear the humiliation of not being able to take you out on a date simply because he has no money.
|Naomi Campbell have always made smart choices|
when it comes to the men she dates
An unscrupulous man on the other hand doesn't care. There are men out there who will seek out lonely, single, and emotionally vulnerable women, who are financially stable, because they are looking for a ticket out of their lifestyle. Many black women can relate to this, particularly those who only date black men. This is why a woman should know what a real man is. A real man will never dream of being a financial burden to a woman. Therefor if you have a man and he doesn't pay for dates because he is broke or he hasn't had a job in more than a few months, then you have a serious problem on your hands. If I'm a woman in a situation where I'm earning more than the man I'm dating or in partnership with, and I'm the one paying for dinners etc, I will automatically question my femininity as a woman.
We need to make better choices when it comes to the men we date. Wanting a man who is financially stable and has resources is normal. Sadly many women have been guilt tripped into dating down. Now more than ever, women are being accused of being greedy and gold digging for wanting something that they are genetically predisposed to want. Men are unapologetic for their open attraction and preference for beautiful women, yet women are made to feel bad for seeking out men with financial resources. Hollywood releases countless movies where a beautiful woman settles for a man who is less attractive and quite lacking when it comes to financial resources. It's like the media is out to brain wash women into settling for beta males, yet men who are ugly and poor are expected to get beautiful women despite their gross short comings. I find this trend in Hollywood very disturbing. Movies like the ZooKeeper are nothing but modern fairy tales for men. In the movie, Kevin James character who is poor and overweight, gets to date two gorgeous women, one of them being Rosario Dawson. Now we all know that the chances of a real zoo keeper dating a beautiful woman, let alone two is very, very slim. But scenarios like this are quite common in movies.
|Promo photo for the Movie Zookeeper|
In closing, I just want to remind black women that we have a lot more options now compared black women in the past. We have the freedom to date and marry who ever we want regardless of race, class, culture and educational background. We must take advantage of the privileges we have now but we must also be grateful for those said privileges. We must set high standards for ourselves instead of reducing ourselves to sex objects and baby mommas. You are worth so much more. But if you think that you're worth little, then men will treat you as such. There is a reason why a man would treat a low maintenance woman differently from a high maintenance woman. If you have very high standards, a man will treat you much better than the woman who has low standards. Having low standards will only hurt you in the long run because people generally do not respect low maintenance women with low standards. If your standards are high, a man with financial problems wouldn't dare try asking you out on a date. So think about that for a while.