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Monday, 7 April 2014

The Dire State of Romantic Relationships In The Media

Last week I had a lot of free time. So I thought that it would be a great time to catch up on my favourite TV shows on Netflix.
Now we've all watched our favourite TV characters fall in and out of love but for some reason, usually events and circumstances that are seemingly out of their control, they're never allowed to be happy in a loving stable relationship. For years I've sat back and observe avid viewers of said TV shows being taken for the inevitable emotional roller coaster rides as they watch their favourite TV couples make up and break up over and over again. Sigh! Then we wonder why people have such pessimistic views when it comes to love right?

Don't get me wrong cus I still enjoy this show. But I find the heavy fan support
of this couple's relationship among black women quite disturbing. But unhealthy relationships is
normal in hollywood and they made us believe it too


And as if that's not enough, we have celebrities marrying and divorcing like it's some kind of sport or something. And to add insult to injury, we are bombarded by bogus  statistics about marriage and relationship. For example, we've all heard the famous "50% of marriages end in divorce" line. Or my personal favourite, "70% of black women are single and will never get married". Anyone with half a brain should know that these figures are BS. But we are so eager to believe the negative that we won't even bother to look at the positive side of such a generalized statement.  Ok so even if this were true, how come you never hear anybody saying "50% of marriages actually work and the couples are happy"?? Why is a whole generation of young people being duped into believing that all marriage is doomed?



Well the media as usual is mostly to blame for this. When you pick up any tabloid magazine, you're guaranteed to find an article of some celebrity couple splitting up or getting divorced even when it's not true. There are no shortage of stories of broken marriages and relationships.

What I want black women to do as of this moment is to stop and think about this for a moment because if I didn't know any better, I'd say it's some kind of weird government conspiracy. My sister and I were having a conversation about this the other night. She believes that the media and possibly the government is out to destroy the family structure by putting up men and women against each other i.e. the so called gender war between men and women. Long ago the leaders would use religion to keep the masses in line by using fear as a form of control. But nowadays most people aren't as religious and superstitious unlike previous eras. Now we are witnessing the total break down of the family structure. Back in the day, men were judge by how well the provided for and protected for their families, and women were judged by how well they looked after their husbands and children. Now we see single mothers rewarded for being strong and doing it all by herself and the men aren't even required to stick around anymore.



This made me think...If the media would focus more on positive relationships, would the public have a more optimistic outlook on marriage? What if the tabloids were following and glamorizing couples that actually stay together and looked after their families, wouldn't the general public be inspired to want the same? I think yes because pop culture whether we wish to admit it or not has a way of influencing the masses. So that TV show that you love, is probably telling you that you'll never be happy and content when it comes to relationships.

Remember this show?

Well I must admit that this show was one of my favourite shows on television. Millions of single women all over the world watched Sex and the City. I remember watching Carrie, Charlot and Miranda jump from one man to the next (I'm not including Samantha here as she clearly was the most masculine as she obviously wasn't interested in serious relationship and marriage unlike the other 3 characters. And she made it clear that she wanted to spend the rest of her life sleeping with a bunch of random men) only to wind up disappointed and often broken hearted We watch the main character Carrie hold out for a man who was emotionally with-holding and indifferent to her needs for 10 freaking years!

After watching the series, I'd come to the conclusion that all men were dogs and I'd be much better off single, with a string of lovers as a replacement for the loving, fulfilling and committed relationship that I deserved. I was completely unaware that I was being programmed by Hollywood the media and the pessimistic male bashing girlfriends I use to hang out with. Thankfully I was able to eventually come to my senses before it was too late.

The point I'm trying to make here ladies is that if you want to attract something into your existence then you should make it your main focus. Make room and prepare for the things you want in life. So if you want to get married and start a family then start acting like it. I'd also would advise you to stay the hell away from television programs and bitter single girlfriends because they will only make things worse for you.
So where can one find nice programs with real couples who are in happy and in healthy relationships??
The answer is Youtube!
Well for those of you who have been following me from day one, would know that I absolutely support alternative media. You all also know that I will always recommend that black women stay away from mainstream media the best way you can. This (youtube) is real TV because we all know reality TV is a joke.

Below are picture of real couples who are in love. I will post links to their channel so you girls can follow them.








Ladies I can go on and on but these are pictures are of real couples on youtube, some of which I've been following for years. I always knew I wanted to get married but somehow it just wasn't happening. So I decided to change my approach when in came to men and relationships. I stopped believing in negative statistics about relationships.That's about the same time I started this blog. I started hanging out with married people and listened  to their stories on how the met and how they got married and all I can say is that most women who are happily married (and stayed married) have characteristics that are quite common among them and most of all, they all had positive relationships with men, they all have an optimistic view in life and they're all very feminine. If you start following these couples on youtube you will notice the same pattern.

So ladies don't believe the lies. There are a lot of good men out there. They are not all married, gay or in jail. People want you to believe this lie because they refuse to acknowledge their relationship failures due to their bad choices in life or they just don't want you to be happy so they will full your head with lies.
I've had people tell me that I would never get married. I was told that I wasn't marriage materiel. I was also told that marriage is not for black people. I was told by a couple of my exes that marriage was just a piece of paper. Yes ladies I've heard it all! But you know what? I chose to stop believing. Why because other people's words are only powerful if you believe it.
When I got married, someone said to me that I was lucky because I found one of the last remaining good men on the planet lol. Yes people actually think like this and they wonder why they can't find good men.

I'm ending this post by leaving you the links of my favourite youtube couple's channel.

https://www.youtube.com/user/Reslim

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChFtIFokGfWATn1Je7Cf6Vg

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCeVwoClNroOJCljdZb9fUgg

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCsvFZkRhXDcRrzaANl5PPgQ

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC1wpYTu2dLT6U2kxqOWQeew







Saturday, 25 January 2014

Why It's Important For Black Women To Nurture Relationships.

Before I say what I have to say, let me share a bizarre story with you.


Do you know this woman? Her name is Joyce Carol Vincent.
This is a British born woman whose father came from Grenada and her mother came from India . She had four sisters. She was known to have met Nelson Mandela,Gil Scott Heron,soul singer Betty Wright and had dinner with Stevie Wonder.
Thing is she's dead. She died in her apartment and it was three years later that her skeleton was found sitting on her couch with the unopened shopping bags( seems she had gone on a little spending spree)
But wait! The tv was still on which meant that the electricity was never cut ( nah! That can't be first world England?)She collected no mail of course.
Neighbors say that they noticed a foul smell but they
keep to themselves. One said that apart from the smell " black insects " were marching into the apartment in droves and yet no one made a move for three years .
Anyway,they just completed a movie on this bizarre story. Wow!


You may have heard this story before but just in case you haven't...
In 2003, Joyce Carol Vincent died alone in her  London apartment. When she was found three years later, all that was left of her was her skeleton lying on the sofa. She was surrounded by Christmas presents, some of which were still unwrapped. Mystery surrounded the cause of her death and forensics were only able to identify her by comparing dental records from a photograph of her smiling. News of her mysterious death spread but soon disappeared because no one came forward with information about her. There was no information about her life and there wasn't even a photograph in the news report when it aired. The authorities were unable to reach her friends because it appeared that she didn't have many friends.  Reports of her burial is unknown. No one knew if her family made arrangements for a funeral. I guess we can safely assume that there was no funeral service for Joyce Carol Vincent because there is absolutely no records of there ever being one, or perhaps I haven't look hard enough. There are reports however of some family members attending her inquest.

What baffled people most about this story was the idea of someone dying and not being discovered  for three years. There were so many questions. How can someone die and no one notice? Didn't anyone miss her? What about her friends and family? 
Further more, Joyce Carol Vincent didn't fit the description of someone dying alone in their apartment while their death goes unnoticed. She didn't drink and she didn't take drugs. Carol  Morley who first heard of Joyce's death when she picked up an old newspaper of the Sun was so intrigued by the story of Joyce Carol Vincent, somehow couldn't let the story go. She embarked on a mission to find out more about the mysterious young lady. She couldn't understand how a beautiful young woman would be dead for so long without a friend or relative looking for her. Carol Morley placed many adds asking people with any information about Joyce to come forward. 


What Carol Morley (The woman who made the movie about Joyce) discovered was that Joyce Carol Vincent, was apparently very popular. Unfortunately, she never let anyone in. She was someone you would call the life of the party. She was always immaculately dressed and everyone described her as classy, beautiful and charming. Joyce Carol Vincent apparently had issues when it came to trusting people. She was the girl who was drifting in and out of people's lives leaving the impression of a mysterious and highly desirable beauty. Everyone who knew her were only able to describe her as such. No one talked about her being a warm caring person. She was always a beautiful mystery and that was it.

Now that I've shared the story of Joyce Carol Vincent, ( read more HERE ) I want to go on to elaborate on the title of this post. As women, it is our nature to seek out relationships. When I say relationship I don't just mean a romantic relationship. I'm talking about the relationship we have with our family, friends and even the people we work with.  Nature designed us that way because as far back as the cavemen, women would seek out relationship with other women. This ensured our chances of survival because many times, men will leave their family behind to go hunting to feed their families. Many times they may never return because it was really dangerous back then. Women on the other hand will stay close to the home caring for the children, and they would occasionally go out and collect fruit and berries. Now imagine if you were one of these women. Imagine that your man didn't come home, and you had no food left to feed your children. If you were friends with all the other women, then they will be sympathetic towards you and they will share their food with you. Now imagine if you were someone who kept to yourself and didn't give anyone the chance to get to know you, then we can assume that your situation would be different.

Now many things have changed since cavemen days. We now live in the era of communication. It's much easier to stay in touch with friends and family, all thanks to social media and cell phones. Yet we're still very much disconnected from one another. Why is this. Black women in particular should look at the death of Joyce Carol Vincent as a warning. Yes you may have hundreds of friends on facebook and lots of followers on twitter and instagram, but let's face it. Most of those people who follow you on social media probably wouldn't miss you if you died because most of them probably don't know much about you. All they know about you is that you post nice pictures of yourself etc.

Many of us don't even know how to maintain friendship let alone a relationship. Many of us grew up in single parent homes, and we watched our mothers burn bridges and end friendships just because the person made a mistake, yet we will watch our mothers maintain toxic relationships with men who would do the most unforgivable things to them over and over again. Then we grow up and we have major problems trusting men and most of all trusting other women.

Women that are feminine are usually very good at nurturing relationships. They get along well with friends, relatives and people in the work place. If you are good at nurturing relationships, then if you die, you will definitely be missed and people will come looking for you. 
It's not uncommon to hear a black woman saying that she doesn't have any female friends or that she doesn't trust anyone or that she has a lot of "Haters". Why would someone spend so much time and energy thinking about their haters or the people they don't get along with when they could be focusing on the positive people in their lives? Why not maintain the positive relationships? Even if you have just one close friend, who knows everything about you, it is better than hanging out with a lot of people who don't know you at all.

When we think about the story of Joyce Carol Vincent, our first reaction is to find someone to blame. People were asking questions about her friends and family. People wanted to blame her family because surely they of all people would notice when she goes missing for three years. But the truth is, Joyce Carol Vincent had only herself to blame. Her friends and family said that Joyce will go away for a couple years or more and they wouldn't hear from her at all. Being a friend of Joyce, it was normal to hear from her maybe once every two years or so. This is the same person who listed her bank manager as her next of kin on a job application form. It is easy for people to assume that Joyce Carol Vincent was mysterious, but the reality is, she was just a woman who didn't trust anyone, and never allowed anyone to get close to her. Even her past boyfriends had issue getting close to her. Mind you, Joyce Carol Vincent wasn't a bad person. She was a good person who  never quite understood or knew the importance of nurturing relationships.

Yes the story of her death is indeed quite bizarre and shocking, but let's be real, she lived a very secretive life and she cut out friends and family from her life. This is why she was dead for three years and no one knew. I'm not trying to be mean or anything. I mean it is unfortunate the way she died. When I first heard this story I was angry because I couldn't understand how someone could die and no one would miss them. I was angry at her family and friends. I've even had nightmares about dying alone in a tiny apartment and no one cared. No one, no matter who they are, wants to die alone. I'm sorry but when I die I want people to care. And it's not because I'm selfish or anything like that, it's because I'm human.

At one point in my life I wasn't on speaking terms with a lot of people in my family. But as I got older, I started reaching out to them and now my relationship with my family is better than it has ever been in years. Don't wait for someone to reach out to you! You make the first move. That friend, sister or cousin you haven't talked to in years will be surprise but happy to hear from you. Do not let time past without taking any action. As black women, it is more beneficial for us to form close relationships with people who care about us. I've talked about the importance of networking in previous post. get yourself out their and form new relationship and repair old ones. Trust me you will not regret it.


Here is a clip of the movie trailer about Joyce Carol Vincent. Watching this made the hairs on my skin stand up.

Thursday, 14 November 2013

I GOT MARRIED!

Hello to all my loyal followers. I know I haven't been on here for a while and you guys were probably  wondering what the hell happened. Well I had a good reason for my absence. I recently got married to a wonderful man whom I met in real life ( not online as you all know I do discourage black women from online dating).

My new husband is the kindest man I've ever met and my only regret is that I haven't met him sooner. My friends and family couldn't be happier for me.
I want all my single readers to know that finding the right guy and getting happily married is very possible. I've read soo many articles and seen a lot of programmes on television where the main topic is that black women are the least married and the least desirable. I don't believe this at all because black women get married all the time. I will write a post about this in the near future.

Ladies do not believe the myth that black women are not marriageable because this is not true. It is a vicious lie spread by the media and people who do not care for our best interest.  Even I at one point in life believed that I'd never get married. Do not believe the negative stories because they will only become a true reality if you believe these people.

Well I'm off to work and I will be back with new material soon.
Love you all!

Monday, 30 September 2013

The Beauty in Having Undermined Beauty

To all my followers; I'm happy to announce that the post you're about
to read is from a lovely lady by the name of J. Rochelle.
I'm quite excited because this is the first time that anyone has contributed
to The Feminine Black Woman. If anyone else is interested in contributing, then
please drop me a line at The Feminine Black Woman on facebook.


The Beauty in Having Undermined Beauty
A Professional Model’s Prospective
J. Rochelle

This post is very personal to me.  Perhaps it is because as a young girl, I was always silently asking one question: Why is there such a great imbalance of appreciation for diverse beauty particularly in the U.S.A?  I remember sitting in 7th grade Biology and listening to Mr. Collins praise nature for the diversity of different plants located in the Tropics alone.  Over 1,000 different species of flowering plants in a 10 mile radius!  I totally agreed with him.  How wondrous was the Creator for making such a wide overabundance of variety upon this planet.  Indeed no two flowers are the same.  But as I got older I began to recognize a pattern in the media.  I became cognizant that although many Americans (and humans in general) appreciate the diversity that wildlife presents to us, most would rather exert a Eurocentric monopoly in the beauty department.  I believe that at an early age this made me search for a reason to hold my head high and to take care of myself.  I am not talking about the negative images continually promoted to women of color in the USA (that is a whole other post in and of itself), I am simply referring to the sparse acknowledgement and recognition of the beauty of African American woman.  What does this mean for me as a young black woman?  What does this mean for other sensitive young black women?  What value can we draw out of this environment?  Thankfully, the answers I have found to these questions are phenomenal.  And I am so excited to share them with you.  I want to preface this by first saying that the objective of this piece is to encourage African American women, and not (!) to discourage anyone who identifies as anything else:

1.)     Rarity equals increased value.
We all know this.  There is a reason why humans will gleefully pay $25,000 for a 3ct diamond and $25 for a cubic zirconia.  We recognize that a real diamond is something of tremendous value because of its rarity.  The diamond is found in the darkest, deepest parts of the earth and will motivate thousands of men to search for them often fruitlessly.  The tremendous pressure that creates a diamond is a metaphor that can be applied to all of life.  Because the diamond dares to shine and be beautiful particularly in an environment that is anything but beautiful is one of the reasons we are attracted to it.  On top of that for every diamond that nature creates, there are probably 10 cubic zirconia’s.  Cubic zirconia’s are literally a dime a dozen, hence, automatically of lesser value.  How does this apply to black women?  Black women represent nearly 6% of the population.  We know this is a very small percentage.  This in and of itself will cause attention to be drawn to you in daily life because you stand out.  As an African American woman I feel it is important to capitalize on this attention and transform it to admiration.  Just as the diamond draws admiration to itself because it dares to shine and be beautiful while it is in a dark, pressure-packed, and often ugly place so too can the black woman draw admiration when she dares to be pleasant, feminine, nurturing, lovely, and elegant although her immediate environment says otherwise.  When this woman takes care of herself by exercising self-control (in her diet and dating relationships) she shines.  When she treats people beautifully, she automatically becomes beautiful.  Her value skyrockets simply by practicing these two principles alone.  Being feminine and being a black woman is a rarity and because of this it is tremendously valuable.  I want to underscore this point…being an attractive black woman gets you attention, being feminine gets you admiration. 
                



2.)     Mark Twain was aware of something . . .
If you were raised in the American education system of have ever taken an American Literature, American History, or American English Composition class, there is a 96.71% likelihood you have read Mark Twain.  Twain was an American author and humorist.  His novels, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn are American classics.  I like many other American students had to read his books.  I undeniably enjoyed the heroic characters Twain was so famous for illustrating.   So it came as a surprise when I stumbled upon the following quote from Twain (feel free to google for yourself):

“Nearly all black and brown skins are beautiful, but a beautiful white skin is rare...Where dark complexions are massed, they make the whites look bleached-out, unwholesome, and sometimes frankly ghastly. I could notice this as a boy, down South in the slavery days before the war. The splendid black satin skin of the South African Zulus of Durban seemed to me to come very close to perfection....

The white man's complexion makes no concealments. It can't. It seemed to have been designed as a catch-all for everything that can damage it. Ladies have to paint it, and powder it, and cosmetic it, and diet it with arsenic, and enamel it, and be always enticing it, and persuading it, and pestering it, and fussing at it, to make it beautiful; and they do not succeed. But these efforts show what they think of the natural complexion, as distributed. As distributed it needs these helps. The complexion which they try to counterfeit is one which nature restricts to the few--to the very few. To ninety-nine persons she gives a bad complexion, to the hundredth a good one.” ~Mark Twain

Apart from being a great novelist, Twain was an intellectual.  I want to stress that my intension is to encourage African American women to see their own unique feminine beauty and not to discourage any person who identifies as otherwise.  I can see the beauty in all women of all ethnic backgrounds.  This quote surprised me because we live in a culture that is counter-current to what Twain is illustrating.  Twain is saying “Black is [supremely] Beautiful” in the 1800s…long before the 1960s mantra caught on.  It would probably take a dissertation to dissect why the current culture is this way, but suffice it to say that black skin is admirable no matter how much the  “media” seems to suggest otherwise.  I was in graduate school at Hampton University before I really understood what Twain was saying here.  Going to a majority white university for undergrad and being raised in predominately white schools may have subconsciously affected the way I looked at myself and particularly other black Americans.   I was walking in between classes to the library when I became enamored by the beautiful complexions of the African American students going their separate directions.  The complexions were heavenly.  Beautiful, diverse, and rich.  It was in graduate school that I made that connection one that still resonates with me.  Recognizing my beauty gave me the confidence to pursue modeling and then becoming signed to a top ranking agency in my region.
               






3.)     Ignoring the elephant only makes it bigger and pinker.
It is no secret that fashion and entertainment lacks the presence of beautiful black women.  Some would argue that not only is there a lack of showcasing these women, but a deliberate attempt to promote very unattractive African American women.  This is done in a number of very subtle ways.  For instance, look at the cast of The View:





Do you notice anything?  To me it is pretty obvious that the coordinator of this show choose two unattractive African American women.  One is noticeably overweight while the other appears to take no interest what so ever in her femininity.  Notice how this is contrasted with the white women on the talk show.  Another example of this is in the talk show The Talk.  Notice that Holly Robinson Pete is replaced by Sheryl Underwood.  Sheryl Underwood in many ways is the typical loud, obnoxious, overweight, and unattractive black woman.  Holly Robinson is the antithesis of this.




While this may be disheartening to many women, there is a silent benefit to black women because of this.  I would argue that much of the success of Scandal is because Kerry Washington is a feminine and beautiful black woman.  An anomaly. While she did not win the Emmy this year she had many adoring eyes upon her.  The reason being that she represents something that is noticeable absent and deliberately ignored in the media.  The same benefit can be attributed to Tamron Hall, a beautiful MSN newscaster that has many male admirers.  (This is true for the fashion world as well…Tyra, Naomi, Chanel Iman, Jourdan Dunn and Joan Smalls have benefited greatly because of this principle).





But the largest benefit goes to the everyday feminine black woman.  In her day to day travels she acquires A LOT of attention because she is not seen on the big or small screen as much as women of other ethnicities.  Because she is rare (not a dime a dozen) she benefits generously.  I have noticed this in my personal life.  If I am at the gym, the gas station, the grocery store, wherever.  There is no shortage of admiration.  I notice this and I am grateful.  It is my desire that more African American women experience this because it is truly a pleasure.  When one acts like a lady she receives chivalrous treatment.  While some may try to ignore you, they simply cannot help but to take notice.








 I am content in focusing on the positive.  And not allowing my external environment affect the beauty I give to the world. J

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

The Most Racist, Misogynistic, and Pedophiliaic Institution Known To Man.

Why would an institution that is not only blatantly racist and misogynistic, but also glorifies pedophilia allowed to exist without being penalised for their crimes against the minds of young girls and women of all races and class. If you are black, Asian, Arab, short, chubby, or over the age of 21, then this industry hates you. By now you're probably wondering what is this evil institution I'm talking about. Well for those who haven't guessed it by now, well, it's the fashion industry. I was inspired to write this post because we've just gotten out of the fashion week season and of course, questions are being asked and as usual, those questions aren't being met with answers. Recently, Naomi Campbell, and Iman spoke up against designers not using  models of colour for the recent fashion week events. This is not the first time this issue has been raised. For years the public has been asking the fashion industry for  diversity. But our pleas are obviously falling on deaf ears. People want to see a reflection of themselves in magazines, fashion spreads and ads which I think is fair because most people, whether they're big, small, short, tall, black, or yellow are consumers of fashion.

When I go shopping, I don't see tall skinny white model type girls shopping. I see real women. Women have gotten bigger over the past two decades and society on a whole has become more diverse. It's not uncommon to find fashionable young people of all colour and size, but unfortunately, the fashion industry is blind to this trend. Why is it that in 2013 we have to beg the fashion industry to stop using underweight models? Why are we still asking them to use more models of colour on their runway shows? Why are they still using girls as young as ten to model their products? What are they really telling women?


Yes this is an actual 10 year old with her very own spread in French Vouge.
Notice the over use of makeup and the oversexualised facial expression.
And to think the fashion industry are defending these sexualised images of a 10 yr old
all in the name of fashion smh. 
In the United States, model agencies are not allowed to book models under the age of sixteen. So what they would do is get a 13yr old model and lie to clients about the age of their models. This is a practice that's been going on forever. This is just another way the fashion industry exhibit their pedophialiaic obsession for young girls. If you pick up any magazine, go on, I dare you. Pick up any magazine that you have lying around your house and look through the pages and really look at the models. Most of them haven't past the age of 17.

Now when I here black women whining about the fashion industry not using black models, I feel for them because let's face it, representation is important. I cannot stress on how important this is. But then I wonder, why would someone want that life for a young girl is beyond me. We all know that the fashion industry mostly favour young white girls which is racist, I'm not denying this at all. But their thirst for young white girls isn't all about racism. You see, go on youtube and look at any video highlighting a fashion show and you'll see what I'm talking about. When you look at the models, you will notice that they all look the same! Sometimes you can't even differentiate one from the other. They are interchangeable and easy to replace. You're here one season and gone the next. Now the fashion industry claims that they're looking for fresh faces, a claim I find quite laughable when you take into consideration that the models have been looking exactly the same for decades! Seriously who are they kidding. Most people nowadays won't be able to name 5 white models, out of thousands who are not Kate Moss, Cara D or any of the Victoria Secret models let alone 5 black models.

They take these young girls and build their hopes up with the promise of  wealth and fame, but the reality is that most of these girls careers are over within a blink of an eye. They don't tell these girls that they should hope and pray that they get a beauty contract or an ad campaign due to the fact that the average career lifespan for a model is 3 to 4 years. No one is going to tell any of these girls that after their career is over by the time they turn 21, that they're gonna be broke by the time their 30, or that only 1% of models actually make it to super model stardom as they no longer use models for magazine covers because the publications have opted to use celebrities instead despite the fact that celebrities already have fame and money and that the models actually need the work. 

Take Tyra Banks and Heidi Klum for example. Heidi Klum was a struggling model who catch her big break when Victoria Secret sign her up as a face for their lingerie line. Tyra Banks didn't do a lot of runway modeling, instead she had to turn to Cover Girl, and eventually Sports Illustrated and Victoria Secret. The ONLY black model, in fact, the only model that have had longevity in the fashion business to date is Naomi Campbell! I don't know of another model black or white that has come close to the success that Naomi has, well maybe Kate Moss but Naomi is still working as a model up to this day and she's in her 40s! In the past Naomi complained about being under paid because of her race, but what else is new? This is the fashion industry we're talking about. Yes she has to work longer to make the same money that her peers make which is a crying shame if you ask me.
Which brings me back to my point, being a black model is not at all a bad thing because the black model will always stand out, which means she will be remembered. Now you know why the fashion industry aren't crazy about black models.

It's like they took one girl and made clones smh
I strongly believe that the fashion industry hates women. If you want to know how someone feels about you, just look at their actions. The fashion industry does some of the most questionable things when it comes to the image of women. They go out of their way to tell us by their actions, that we're not beautiful enough or thin enough. But we shouldn't be surprise because most of the clothes that the fashion industry produce every season are designed by gay men, who by the way, hates the form of a real woman. So if you think for a minute that a designer has you in mind when he's designing his clothing, think again. These fashion designers are the most misogynistic and narcissistic group on the planet. When they sit down to design clothing, they're mostly thinking about themselves because they see themselves as more than just a designer, they all claim to be artists.  Now, take a look at the image below:
This is the body that most designers use. Notice
how incredibly long her torso is. I bet that most people
don't know anyone that actually looks like this.
Which would explain why you would never look like this if you wear the same dress (even if you're the same dress size) that she is wearing below.
Designers claim that their clothes look better on models that are not only
taller but they must have a certain body type as well, like having a longer torso
compared to the average woman. 


They show their hatred for women in so many ways like airbrushing the model's photo to the point where she no longer looks human. Then young girls and women are constantly bombarded by images of perfect looking creatures in the pages of glossy magazines when in reality not even the models look like their pictures in real life.
Their disdain for women of colour is prevalent even in the east. In countries like Japan, Korea China and Taiwan, white models who do not make it big in the US or Europe, are sent to these countries to model! The demand for young pubescent white girls in Japan is high as Japan leads the world in pedophilia. You may wonder if these countries don't already have their own models. But this issue also reflects post colonist cultures where white is always the favoured standard of beauty. In Asia it's not uncommon to find many young Asian women going under the knife to achieve more European features like the girls they see in magazines.
Check out this documentary that followed a 13yr old girl that won a model scouting competition in her small village in Russia. Many poor Russian families send their girls to modeling competitions in hopes of their daughters getting work, thereby being able to help the family financially. She was whisked off to Japan with the promise of paid work all by herself. She soon realised that the life she was promised was just that, promises.

What I really don't understand is how this industry that is so hateful towards women are able to strive in all cultures. The only time I ever buy a magazine is when their is a black female celebrity or model on the cover, which is extremely rare!!
It's 2013 and things haven't changed at all. You are more likely to find diversity in the television, Hollywood or in the music industry. Finding diversity in the fashion industry is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. All we seem to be getting from the fashion industry is racism, misogyny and glamorised pedophilia. Do we like being abused and being told that we are not beautiful? And where does black women fit into this mess? Obviously the fashion industry doesn't give black women a thought which is why clothing that is being marketed to black women is different from what is being marketed to other women.

I actually found this image on a fashion blog targeting black women.
The outfits are unflattering and hideous and I feel like vomiting when I look at them
.
This is an image I found on a fashion blog targeting white women.
Now compare with the photo above and you can tell which outfit is more
feminine and flattering.
This image was found on a website targeting Asian women. You can't help but notice that
the fashion industry market more feminine clothing to non black women but market
the ugly, masculine/androgynous type clothing towards black women. If that's not
racist I don't know what is.
The only way we can stop the madness is by ignoring the fashion industry. For too many years they've been telling us what  we should or shouldn't wear. They've been telling us what is stylish and beautiful. They're the same people that told us that jeans and masculine type pants suits look great on women. Only then they would wake up. This is why I look for unknown designers. Most of the clothes I own are generic but they look great on me. I get compliments all the time. People are always telling my how classy and elegant I look and it doesn't cost me a fortune to look like a million bucks.

Friday, 20 September 2013

Why Dresses Are Better Than Pants


If you're a black woman and you happen to have curves, then you'll understand the never ending quest for that perfect pair of jeans. Unfortunately, what they (the fashion and retail industry) haven't told you is that there is no such thing as the perfect pair of jeans. I remember the days where I would be on the hunt for that elusive pair of perfect fitting jeans. There were jeans that were too short on the legs or too wide at the waist. Although I'm very slim, I do happen to have a little junk in the trunk.

For years I would wear nothing but jeans. They were so uncomfortable but I never realised how uncomfortable they were until I stopped wearing them. I can't imagine myself jumping up and down, or wiggling myself into a pair of jeans everyday. And I can't believe I put myself through that torture for so many years. When I started wearing skirts and dresses, I couldn't believe how comfortable they were. I no longer had to worry about my pants sliding down when I bend over to pick up stuff or my underwear popping up over the top of my jeans every time I sat down. I do not miss the constantly pulling up and tugging at  my jeans on the occasions I forgot to wear a belt. I soon realised that the only people that look good in jeans are men and super skinny models with small bums.

Unless you're this tall and skinny, you will never look like
this in a pair of jeans. No normal person can achieve this look which is
quite baffling considering how much we have bought into the myth that jeans
look great on everyone smh.


We've been doped, bamboozled, tricked into thinking that jeans suit everyone. Clearly this isn't the case. When I look at old photographs of myself wearing jeans, I just can't help but notice how unflattering and unfeminine they made me look. Most of all, I thought they made me look common and poor. I did not look elegant and classy. This is why I've compiled a list of reasons why skirt and dresses are better than jeans/trousers/pants.

1. Dresses and skirts look better on a woman's body. Wearing a good dress will instantly feminise ones appearance.

Yes I know Zoe looks great in both pics, but don't forget that
Zoe is a former model and still very skinny. But I think she looks a lot
better when she wears dresses.

























2. It is cheaper to wear a dress than a pants. Think about it. Walk into any department store and you will see that on many occasions, a dress will cost the same price as a pair of pants or blouse. Don't believe me? Here are some images I got off the Zara website. I chose Zara because that's where I usually shop.

Pants: $79.00

















Blouse: $79.00




Dress: $79.00
Please ignore the shoes, I know they're ugly lol
I don't know about you, but I'll definitely go for the dress. I would recommend the same for any woman on a budget. You want to save money? Invest in some affordable dresses. It's pointless buying a pair of pants when you have to pay nearly the same price for a blouse to go with it.

3. Dresses/skirt are best suited for work and job interviews. Studies have proven that women looking and wearing masculine clothes in the workplace are not rewarded and favoured. Women who wear a skirt/dress to an interview are more likely to land the job over women who wear pants suits.
This is a great work dress, however I think that it can be
A few inches longer. Dresses and skirt that are too high above the
knee can be quite tricky to pull off in the workplace.


4. Regardless of you age, race, size or shape, a dress will always enhance your figure while adding mystery, femininity and modesty to your overall appearance. People will be compelled to treat you better and they wouldn't know why. Of course the opposite is true if you wear a dress that is too tight or revealing. Balance is key.
Michele Obama is 50yrs old and she wears dresses and skirts
95% of the times she's seen in public. Can you imagine how silly she
would look if she was wearing a pair of jeans lol.

Like I said, dresses look great on almost all body types



5. You will get a lot more compliments from friends, family and strangers alike but you will get a lot of positive attention from men. Single women especially will benefit most from wearing dresses and skirts. Dresses are a lot more flirty and romantic. You will never hear someone describe pants as flirty, romantic,
or feminine.


6. Dresses are always appropriate attire no matter where you're going. So if you're going to an event or something, and you're not quite sure about the dress code, then you cannot possibly go wrong with a dress.

7. If you live in a humid climate like me, then a dress is definitely the best choice. You don't want to be sweating like a pig in a pair of jeans (or anything tight) that's too tight. New studies have proven that jeans are unhealthy for the vagina. If you find yourself prone to yeast infection, maybe those tight jeans are causing the problem. If you're a bigger curvier girl, you're doing more harm to your health by wearing tight ill fitting jeans. Not only is this bad, but it also looks bad. Squeezing yourself into a tight uncomfortable material is not natural.

Not only is tight jeans unfaltering but it's a major cause of yeast infections
and infertility issues in women


Pay attention to what the lady is saying in this video. She also talks about femininity and how what you wear affects the way you behave.

8. Lastly, dresses makes dressing up much easier. Trust me you can spend a lot of time going through your closet trying to figure out what shirt goes with what skirt/pants etc. Some women are great with mixing and matching but a dress eliminates all that. You throw a dress on which leaves you a lot more time to worry about accessories etc.


Wednesday, 14 August 2013

Social Integration and The Black Woman

Social integration, in sociology and other social sciences, is the movement of minority groups such as ethnic minorities, refugees and underprivileged sections of a society into the mainstream of societies. Social integration requires proficiency in an accepted common language of the society, acceptance of the laws of the society and adoption of a common set of values of the society. It does not require assimilation and it does not require persons to give up all of their culture, but it may require to forgo some aspects of their culture which are inconsistent with the laws and values of the society. In tolerant and open societies, members of minority groups can often use social integration to gain full access to the opportunities, rights and services available to the members of the mainstream of society.

~Source: Wikipedia.

Although a lot of black women have integrated successfully into mainstream society and are enjoying the privileges that successful social integration brings into ones existence, there are still a large group of black women that are still struggling. Now I am going to be very honest in this post so I don't expect everyone to agree with me on this one. I'm just a blogger/aspiring author, therefor I cannot please everyone. I haven't posted in a while because I've been quite busy with real life, but I'm back and I must warn all my loyal readers/followers that things are going to be a bit different hence forth. If you stick around, and you have an open mind, I promise you that you will not walk away without learning something valuable.

I spend most of my time thinking about black women, helping black women, and advising black women. This is what I do and I believe that this is my way of giving back. I have so many black women who come to me in my inbox asking me for advise and I am happy to give it. Whether they take my advise or not is totally up to them but I always like to believe that I did my part.

Now back to the topic at hand. In my years of traveling and observing black women all over the world, I couldn't help but notice something very wrong. What I have observed is quite  disturbing and I will tell you why in a minute but let me explain to you what I've seen so far; black women are struggling to integrate into mainstream society. Black men on the other hand seem to be having an easier time doing this. Black women who live in multi-cultural societies like the US, Latin America, the UK, certain parts of Europe and the Caribbean seem to be sharing the same problem when it comes to social integration. Some of the reasons why we are unsuccessful with social integration as a group are not our faults, but there are many ways we can overcome this issue because we are in control of our own individual lives and our own reality. Whether we decide to exercise the control we have is totally up to the individual. In order for us to be successful as a group we have and must start with the individual.

Please note that successful social integration doesn't come with its challenges. If you speak to black women who have integrated well into mainstream society, they will tell you stories of being caught between two worlds where they were not "black enough" and not white. They had to endure being asked stereotypical questions because of their race/culture/gender while bearing the huge burden of representing their race in a positive light. But they will all agree on one thing; that is, the rewards of social integration are worth every struggle.

Here I'm going to list a number of reasons why black women don't integrate well into mainstream society but I'm only going to list the ones we have the power to change.  I know some people don't want to hear this, but most of the problems that us black women are facing as a group are self inflicted so here goes

1. Self Limiting Beliefs; many black women believe that they are not equal to women of other races, particularly white women. They will not come out and admit this because admitting something like this will only reveal to others that a lot of black women suffer from an inferiority complex. Instead they will spend most of their time talking about race and white privilege. Unfortunately for black women, by engaging too much into this negative practice,  we are just reinforcing that we are unequal and inferior, which in turn segregates us even more from mainstream society.They (black women) will not take the time to think that maybe that their thoughts and views are doing more damage than good. 

2. Poor Lifestyle Choices; A lot of black women are unable to achieve successful social integration because of our poor lifestyle choices. For example, getting pregnant before one gets married is a poor lifestyle choice among many other poor lifestyle choices we make as a collective group. Being loud, aggressive, unapproachable, mean, masculine, unladylike, overweight, bad mothers etc etc are all by choice. Yes your environment and negative circumstances may have influence on the choices you make in life, but it's still your choice. No one forced you to get pregnant by multiple men, nobody forced you to be a baby momma and no one definitely forced you to depend on government handouts. When a black woman decides that she'd much rather buy a weave instead of paying her rent, she is doing that by choice. We need to wake up because people are finally on to us. There is no excuse that can validate our poor choices. We as a group are a result of generations of poor lifestyle choices and change starts with you the individual. It is time for us to be responsible grown ups and earn up to our poor choices.

3. Not Networking; I hear a lot of black women complaining about not being able to find jobs. If we were to be honest with ourselves, we will realise and admit that it's nobody's fault but ours. Being able to network with others outside of our group is highly beneficial. Do you know that a lot of black women don't have any non black friends? If most of the people you hang out with are broke, uneducated and ignorant, how is this going to help you? Think about it. If all your friends are jobless, then it's only natural that you're going to have a hard time landing a job. You are the average of the five people you hang out with the most. 

"Motivational speaker Jim Rohn famously said that we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with.
This relates to the law of averages, which is the theory that the result of any given situation will be the average of all outcomes.
Salespeople, entrepreneurs and all successful people know that, in order to increase your wins, you've also got to increase your losses."
~Source: Business Insider
A lot of us black women hang out with other black women who are just as clueless as we are. We refuse to make friends with other non black women. And we hate on black women who are successful and ambitious instead of trying to learn from them. This is one of the biggest hindrance to social integration. If we cannot integrate well within our own group, then we will not be able to do so with other groups.
4. Lack of Proper Presentation; The way a lot of black women present themselves leaves a lot to be desired. Physical appearance is so important but a lot of black women can't seem to get this. We can't seem to grasp that the way we are treated by others reflects not only the way we feel about ourselves, but also by the way we present ourselves to the world. As a black woman, I have to say that I am fed up of all the twerking videos and half naked pictures that black women are making of themselves and posting on the internet. Some of these women are mothers and they even have their kids featuring in the nasty videos and pictures. Some of these women take it to another level where they upload twerking videos of their children! Where is all this craziness coming from?? If you think I'm lying, go HERE and HERE and you'll see what I'm talking about. We don't realise that people are laughing at us. When non black women do twerking videos, it's considered cute because of something I call the "Halo Effect" which I've talked about in a previous post. It's not fair but it is what it is and we just have to deal with it. All the more reasons for us to be more careful about the way we present ourselves. 
Look at the pictures below and tell me which one of these women people will respect and treat better?


5. Lack of Self Love/Self Worth; I truly believe that a lot of women place very little value on themselves. Yet some of us get mad when the people and the men in our lives don't value us. Just because someone desires you, doesn't mean they value you. We have to learn to know the difference between someone wanting to be with us for our ass and someone who wants us because they see the value in us. Like I said, the way people, particularly men, treat you, is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself. Being proud of how big your ass is or how good you are at twerking and giving head is not something someone with self worth would be proud of. I'm just saying. Likewise being proud of being a strong black woman/ single mother and walking around claiming you're a bad bitch is not something that someone who loves themselves would boast about. The next time you are about to make a decision, no matter how small it is, even if it's picking out an outfit to wear, just ask yourself this question: "What would someone who love themselves do?" 
Now when I say self-love I don't mean being narcissistic, what I mean is imagine what true self love is and ask yourself the this question everyday and you will start to see positive results in your life. This I promise you. 

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